I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just want to make out with him forever
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
