so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
