Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
