guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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