she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
