We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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