I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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