I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
