Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
