i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
