i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
