Where did you get a picture of my penis
someone owes me an orgasm
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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