He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
