Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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