There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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