I haven't been this sober since birth.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
