return my video game
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
