The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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