You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
