I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize