alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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