eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
