i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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