i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
