Since when is my name a synonym for head?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
