yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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