u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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