you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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