today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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