I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
