Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
