you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
