We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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