oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
