i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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