Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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