next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
