i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
