this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
