He is like the real live version of the state fair..
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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