What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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