i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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