Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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