You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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