my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
