I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
