May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize