Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
