i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
