girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
