Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
BRING THE BAGELS
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
