4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
