You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
wow bdsm is so cute
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
