well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
