There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
